EXCLUSIVE: Hot Topics in Raleigh This Week

A tell-all memoir from Raleigh royalty, the Courage get a new player, Tir na nOg returns — and a bizarre incident at Krispy Kreme.
by Chat GPT and Walter Weekly staff

Please note that these are April fools jokes, not real news items. 

Malik to Play in Courage Game

Kathleen Malik, who along with her husband, Steve, is majority owner of the North Carolina
Football Club, will suit up for the NC Courage soccer game this weekend. “It’s always been a dream of mine to play alongside these incredible athletes, but I never realized it was possible until Ryan
Reynolds announced he’d be playing for Wrexham,” she says. While she’s been training for a while, Malik’s realistic: “I expect to spend a lot of time on the bench.”

Balloon Spotted over Cary

Golfers at Prestonwood. Country Club got a shock Thursday afternoon when a large, low-flying balloon was spotted over the ninth hole. “It came out of nowhere, and it was huge,” says Simone
Hayward, who was on the putting green at the time. Cary police were fast onto the scene and shot the balloon down over the lake. Preliminary investigations indicate that the balloon was commissioned by a New York City real estate company.

New Sayre Sculpture

Thomas Sayre, the artist best known for the iconic Gyre sculpture on the grounds of the NCMA, has unveiled his newest piece. The earthcast installation is in the form of a to-scale construction tower crane and will be permanently installed near The Village District in an area previously slated for condominium development. “Over time, native plants will take over the space. It’s a commentary on the interplay between civilization and nature,” Sayre says. A second sculpture, earthcast from scaffolding, will come in the next few months.

Tell-All Memoir from Raleigh “Royalty”

Sources say a scathing new book is in the works from David. Meeker, the son of lawyer and longtime mayor Charles Meeker. The book is expected to offer a raw, unflinching look at the pressures of growing up in the shadow Raleigh political “royalty.” “David’s on all these boards and has done a ton for Raleigh — but because he’s not a politician, it’s just never been enough,” says a friend who asked to remain anonymous.

Tir na nOg Returning to Downtown

At long last, Tír na nÓg will return to downtown. The beloved Irish tavern occupied the cavernous space on S. Blount Street that’s now Brewery Bhavana for nearly two decades before closing in 2016. While owner Annie Britton-Nice would not confirm the new location, sources have noticed new bucolic murals being painted inside the former Royale space across from Moore Square.

Squirrels Cause Hysteria

In a bizarre incident, a group of rogue squirrels reportedly stole a large batch of Krispy
Kreme donuts from a delivery truck parked outside the Person Street location. Eyewitnesses described the scene as chaotic and comical, as the squirrels descended en masse, then scampered off with dozens of donuts in their tiny paws. “It was like something out of a cartoon,” said one witness. Police were called to the scene but were unable to apprehend the gang, which had already scattered into the surrounding trees and bushes. In a statement, an RPD spokesperson said that identifying the suspects would be nearly impossible: “All squirrels look alike, and they’re really hard to catch.” The theft has sparked fear among bakery owners across the city; some, like Union Special. Bread and lucettegrace, have started hiring guards armed with stun guns to help protect their precious cargo. “Donuts are one thing, but it would take us weeks to recover if those rodents came after our croissants,” says Andrew. Ullom, owner of Union Special.

… just kidding, none of this is real. April Fools’! Find more fun stories in Walter Weekly.

A version of this article originally appeared in the April 2023 issue of WALTER magazine